At an early age I became familiar with a story my Mom often told. Dad had wanted me to be a girl. As the story was told by Mom, Dad being an only child himself had always made it clear to her that he wanted a big family. Equally important to him, more important to my life is that Dad wanted girls. Best case scenario for them was two boys and two girls. While they were open to a fifth child, that would be a decision they would make later. As their first two addition to their family were both born sons. Dad really wanted me to be a girl. A daughter. Once my sister was born as their fourth child, the story changed slightly to stress that if I had been born a girl, they would have had exactly the family of four they wanted. It is not unlikely that I came to know of my parents disappointed that I had not been born a girl before I even had any idea what the words ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ meant.
Like all children by the time i reached four years of age, I had a basic idea of how my life would be different if I had been born a girl. I would have worn dresses instead of ;pants. I would have had longer hair and played wit h dolls. There are other things I probably noticed about girls. They acted differently than boys. Girls tended to cling to their Moms and boys seemed to look up to their Dads. I noticed that when girls had to use the bathroom in a public place Moms would take them to one bathroom. If boys had to use the bathroom, Dads would take the boys to the other restroom. Like my Dad did for me. If Dad was not around we would go to with Mom to the girl’s room. I would come to lean that boys and girls used different bathrooms because boys have a pee-pee and girls did not. What did girls have? Girls are different down there was all I would be told.
Why Am I A Boy?
Each and every individual has their own unique way of viewing the world and striving to make sense of the world and their place in it. Because I knew my Daddy had wanted me to be a girl, and as such my Mommy wanted me to be a girl, in these formative years, I found myself viewing the world from a ‘what-if’ perspective — What if I was a girl.? What would that be like? I had not attachment to life as a boy so it occurred to me that if my Mommy and Daddy wanted me to be a girl, I could be a girl for them. I was told this was not possible as I had a pee-pee down there and girls are different down there,
Why did I have a pee-pee? Why was I a boy? If I was suppose to be a girl, if I should have been a girl, if Mommy and Daddy wanted me to be a girl, why had I not been born a girl? Was it Mommy’s fault as Daddy often seemed angry with Mom? Or was it my fault? Was I to blame? Had I done something wrong? Why couldn’t Mommy and Daddy just make my pee-pee go away.? I wanted to make Mommy and Daddy happy. I wanted them to love me more. I really wanted to be a girl for them/ As often as Mom would tell the story, I must have approached her and offered to be a girl for her and Daddy.
Mommy and I Play Dress Up
One day Mom was going through some boxes of her clothes from when she was a little girl at Grandma’s house. Grandma had died recently and she was decided what to keep and what to discard. My older brothers were at school and my sister had not yet been born, I wanted to be a girl for Mommy and Mom,my knew I wanted to be a girl so out of the blue she asked “Would you like to see how pretty you are in a dress?” I could not have been more eager to do so. It became a pretend game that we would often play. It was ‘our little secret.’
One day Mom and Dad went off with my sister and was gone for two days. They had traveled to Seattle to see a specialist. After they returned they were both very sad and they told us boys that our little sister was sick., A few weeks later Mommy and I were playing out secret game and she asked me if I wanted to be a girl all the time — a pretend girl until I started school which was like a year and a half away, I loved out dress up game and I was excited to be able to play it all the time. About a year later, within six weeks of each other, Mom have birth to a fifth child, another boy, and our sister died. Five months before I was to start first grade, Mom and Dad sat me down and asked me to be their little girl. The next four years of my life were some of the happiest years of my life.